It's a Good Thing the End Isn't Sad

I know that I really am very blessed, but right now I'm just very sad. I need to write it out so I can move past it.

Skylar's mom is very sick and has been in the hospital for over a month with one complication, then another. They couldn't figure out the source of it all and she would get a little better, then a whole lot worse. I didn't think much of it for a long time because of how resilient the body truly is. All my classes learning about the body just reinforced my thoughts that she would pull through. But she probably won't. She's been on life support and we just found out they're taking her off of it tomorrow. The doctors are positive she won't make it.

My heart hurts so much. Of course I love her and I'm SO thankful to have her as my mother-in-law, but my heart hurts for them - for her husband, for her kids, for her granddaughters. All my tears are for them and I have absolutely no idea how to "be there" for them right now.

On top of that, Skylar's in Kansas for work, surrounded by loud, "burly" men and he's having to deal with this by himself. He seems to have taken the time he needed to prepare himself so he's handling it all really well, but still - I just want to hug him.

No matter what happens, I know they'll be ok. We all will. Even though the Lord is very mindful of us and certainly has our best interest in mind, sometimes things are just hard and I think it's ok to be sad for a while. I just hate to see the people I love hurt so much.

Sorry this post was kind of depressing. Here's some happy news that I'll elaborate on more later: we moved successfully, I've gotten lots of job offers, I'm enjoying my class this term, and best of all...........God's Plan of Happiness is REAL!

The Bofe

Tonight (or rather, in the wee small hours of the morning....it's only 2:30 a.m.) I was frantically trying to finish packing up our house so we can move in.....6 hours. I've been working on it (and finals) little by little for the last week and a half. I'm almost there! Anyway, I was jamming to a play list of random songs when this song started playing:

Suddenly, rather unexpectedly, I was quite "teary eyed," we'll say. Sure, it's kind of a sad song, but that wasn't why I got choked up. The first time I heard this song was while watching the super cheesy Hillary Duff movie, "A Cinderella Story." I was probably 16 or 17, sitting at home alone on a Friday night, trying to pass the time. My brother Joseph came home and plopped down next to me and watched the whole thing with me. He was probably 21 at the time and had FAR better things to do than hang out with his little sister on a Friday night, but he did anyway. As the movie ended, this was the last song playing and he commented that he really liked it. It was a small little comment made in passing, but for some reason every time I've heard that song since then I think of him. Interestingly, this song fits him rather well.

He died a little over a year and a half ago in a car accident. Wow, has it really been that long? I think about him everyday, most of the time just in passing as I laugh about something that reminds me of him. But every once in a while something hits me hard and I'm in tears again. I sure do miss him.

Someday I'll write about him - what he was like, how awesome he was, what a metro-stud he could be, ya know, all the good stuff. But right now, I start bawling when I try to write those things down. It's bad enough just mentioning his name sometimes. But be it known, my brother was pretty rad. Can't wait to hang out with him again.

Charity Never Faileth

What do you think of when you hear the word Charity? I think most people think of donating money, goods, or services to those in need. That's certainly a part of it. Others who are familiar with Christ's gospel think of "the pure love of Christ" when they hear the word. Definitely true as well. But I contend there's more to it that most of us don't even think about.

Today in church, a man was speaking about charity and quoted President Monson (President of the LDS church, Prophet of God for the world) on this topic:

" I consider charity "or the pure love of Christ" to be the opposite of criticism and judging. In speaking of charity, I do not at this moment have in mind the relief of the suffering through the giving of our substance. That, of course, is necessary and proper. Tonight, however, I have in mind the charity that manifests itself when we are tolerant of others and lenient toward their actions, the kind of charity that forgives, the kind of charity that is patient.

I have in mind the charity that impels us to be sympathetic, compassionate, and merciful, not only in times of sickness and affliction and distress but also in times of weakness or error on the part of others." (end of quote)

He then further defines specific attributes of charity, some of which we may not have thought of as acts of charity:

* giving attention to those who are unnoticed
* giving hope to those who are discouraged
* giving aid to those who are afflicted

 * refusing to find satisfaction in hearing or in repeating the reports of misfortunes that come to others unless by so doing, the unfortunate one may be benefitted.
* having patience with someone who has let us down
* resisting the impulse to become offended easily
* accepting weaknesses and shortcomings
* accepting people as they truly are
* looking beyond physical appearances
* resisting the impulse to categorize others

There are definitely those famous people that pop right into our heads when we think about charity (Mother Theresa for instance) but as I listened to this today, my husband came to mind first. I know, y'all are probably sick of hearing about him non stop for the last few posts, but he's a pretty cool guy. It's funny, he probably doesn't even really think of himself as charitable, but he's one of the least judgmental, most concerned, quickest to forgive, patient people I know. And let's not even start about how giving he is to people who (by most standards) "don't deserve it."

When it comes to charity within our marriage, he's a rockstar. He doesn't surprise me with flowers just because (which is good because I'd get annoyed that he just wasted money on something that will wilt the next day), he doesn't swoon over how beautiful I am all the time, he doesn't leave me love notes telling me how "lucky he is to have me," he doesn't threaten to beat up any guy who's looking at me. He's REAL. He doesn't lose his temper with me. When I'm chewing him out, he doesn't yell back. He's oh so patient with my shortcomings (which are MANY). He doesn't have the incessant need (that I have) to make sure I know when I'm wrong. He's kind. He's very forgiving. He works hard. He thinks positively of me. He gives me the benefit of the doubt. He loves me and he shows it through these things.

And you know what? He's like this with everybody. Basically, I want to grow up to be like him. I need to work on my charity and I'm going to....starting....now.

(Oh ya know, just a cute picture of my sweet niece loving on her brand new brother.

She's got a lot of charity for him.)

Modest is Hottest

I've seen the link to this video a couple of times, but didn't look at it until tonight. Holy. Cow. I seriously cried during it. Who does that? I really am just a "sensy" (in the words of JD from Scrubs). Geez, if I'm this sensitive now, what the heck is it going to be like when I'm pregnant!

I'm always so amazed when I see youth who not only hold to their values, but BELIEVE in those values. Modesty is a tricky subject, I think. For a lot of youth, it's pounded into their heads without a good explanation as to WHY it's so important. I realize now that ultimately, only when we're modest (in dress AND actions), can we have the Spirit of God with us that will lead us in the right direction. I wish I had been as strong as some of these youth. They're inspiring and it gives me hope that maybe (just maybe) I'll be able to help my kids develop faith like this one day.

"Choose Your Love, Love Your Choice"

(That little gem is a quote by President Thomas S. Monson)

I truly am Jo Ann McCorkle's daughter. My heart has grown very sensitive - especially in the last couple of years. This contemplation on sensitivity came about as I sat home alone tonight trying to find a movie to pass the time until I go to bed. I checked out the latest movies on Instant Play on Netflix and came across "Eat Pray Love." I remembered a conversation my sister and I had about this movie a couple months ago (she didn't like it), but I've heard such great things about it, I figured I'd give it a chance. Just like Veronica, I couldn't watch more than the first 15 minutes.

Here's the synopsis of the movie: "A married woman realizes how unhappy her marriage really is, and that her life needs to go in a different direction. After a painful divorce, she takes off on a round-the-world journey to 'find herself'". What they skimmed over is that she's the one who decided (by herself) that her marriage was unhappy. Her husband had no idea because she never told him how she felt. Before she's even started the divorce process, she's found another temporary man, and her husband still wants her back. He pleads with her in front of her divorce lawyer to stay and he'll work harder, but she brushes him off and runs off to "find herself." I couldn't continue to watch this movie because my heart hurts so easily for characters. Her husband was giving everything he could, but she didn't care.

Here's the problem: everything I just described was a choice. A marriage isn't just "unhappy" all on its own. That's a choice. (Certainly there are extenuating circumstances, for instance, where abuse is involved. Even still, that's a choice made by the offender.) Life isn't about just "going with the flow" and letting the wind blow you wherever it may go. It's nothing but choices. Often times things don't go as you plan, so yes, you have to be flexible, but how you react to things and what you decide to do with the options in front of you is still your choice.

The problem with American society today is that most people don't realize that. If their marriage isn't everything they thought it would be, then they suppose it just wasn't meant to be and they feel they "owe it to themselves" to find happiness somewhere else. But that's wrong. So very, very wrong. Marriage is serious business - nothing to be taken lightly. If nothing else, you owe it to your marriage to try and find happiness within it.

The reason I say this is because I recognize that everything I'm doing is completely my choice. Skylar and I weren't "destined to be together." Heck, we each could have found plenty of other people that we could be equally happy with. But we chose each other. Love is not something you just fall into or out of. It is a CHOICE. You choose who you love or don't love. Our marriage is far from perfect (a lot of that may or may not come from me), but we choose to work things out. If we were to just let things sit and choose not to work on our marriage every single day, sure it would become "unhappy." But we don't. And we won't. Because fortunately, we recognize how ridiculous and irresponsible that would be. Sometimes, it's really hard and a lot of work, but we choose each other and we will continue to choose each other every day for the rest of our lives and beyond. It's a choice.


Disclaimer: I realize that this last paragraph might come across as though we are constantly happy because we choose to be. Please don't take it that way. We definitely are NOT always happy (which is also a choice on our parts), but I believe so far we've been able to say we are always happy IN our marriage - as in, we would never bail because it's so worth it - even when we feel like this:

Rant over.

Monday Monday, So Good to Me

It's almost official. I have nothing left in the semester except for finals. And really, I'm to the point where I don't even care as long as I pass my classes. It's quite the change from last semester. I made ALL A's last semester (my first time doing that in college), but this semester has brought so many new challenges that I've never faced before. So yes, I could have buckled down and forced out my sanity (what little is left), but as long as I pass, I'm fine.

If all goes according to plan, I should have all of my finals done by Monday. Then I get to really crack down and pack and clean our whole apartment so we can MOVE next Friday! Skylar and Tristan just left a few hours ago to make the drive to Texas for a week and a half (1/2 for business, 1/2 to see their family since their mom has been in the hospital for the past couple of weeks). It'll be nice to get to study and pack and clean in peace, but I'm sure in a day or two I'll already be going crazy from boredom/loneliness.

So here's to Monday. Just gotta hold out till Monday. Wish me luck!

When Will I Learn?

WARNING: This post contains mushy goodness about this guy:

Read at your own Risk...

When will I finally learn (or rather, BELIEVE) how my husband works? "Give yourself a break," y'all say. "You've only been married 8 months." True, but I've known him for much, MUCH longer. In fact, I've known him for half my life. That's certainly enough time to start to figure someone out. Apparently I'm kind of dense though.

I've been in a bad mood and kind of mean to the husband all day, just due to stress. Not a good reason, I know. So tonight, after I'd already nit-picked him to death about a couple of stupid things, I had one more issue I wanted to dig into. It was actually a very valid point, one that would/will greatly benefit us both, but as soon as I started, it all went downhill. After almost an hour of us arguing and getting annoyed and tears flowing from my stupid, sensitive eyes, he finally started to get me calmed down and back to rational conversation. Basically, my point was very good, but my approach was AWFUL, as always. I tried to handle him the way I want to be handled: I want to be told the problem and given proof from authorities that it should be a certain way. Then have that process repeated over and over until I remember. Doesn't work like that for him. He gently reminded me (AGAIN) that he needs to be shown by example.

Duh, I knew that. Or did I? I've known that about him for a long time, but it seems like I don't really believe it or something. It doesn't work to just tell him something, he needs to see it in action. And really, that's the best way to teach anyone. Be the example. So here he is, teaching me how to teach him by example.

He's so good that it drives me nuts sometimes. Why is he so patient? Why is he so loving? Why is he so quick to forgive and let go? Why does he still even LIKE me after all these years?! How did he become all those things? Sure, he's got some great parents who have certainly contributed to his goodness, but I think he was born with that spirit.

So here's to the good husband. I sure do like him. And I sure am thankful he puts up with me.

P.S. As I was typing this, this song by Carrie Underwood was playing in my head. Maybe I should tell my mom this the way Carrie does to put her at ease. Enjoy.

Turns Out Marriage can be Hard Work Sometimes

I've always heard that marriage is hard work. I've only been married for a little over 8 months, but I'm just now beginning to understand a small portion of what that means. Let me explain...

 Since we moved up here in August (but more so since December when Skylar broke off from the company he'd been with and fully started his own thing), the challenges of starting his own company have been far greater than we anticipated. For a long time, I found it very difficult to support my husband fully. I knew that a new company struggles a lot for the first year or so, and we were certainly no exception, but it was tough for me not knowing how we were going to pay our bills at times. Even though my words said I supported him, my feelings and emotions said otherwise. Lately, however, I've been letting go of my rigid plans little by little and softening up toward a new idea. Last night Skylar and I sat down to work out a couple of possible game plans for this next year, and I decided to fill him in on my formulating idea.

Growing up, my parents taught me the importance of getting an education.  Drilled it in to me, is more like it. I agree with them 100%. Even if I never work again after we have kids, I need an education just for my own peace of mind. However, I'm realizing that there are multiple ways of getting that education. Originally, my plan was to go to school non-stop full time for the next 16 months until I graduated in August of 2012. That's what you do, when you're this age, after all. I would NOT deviate from that path. But that path meant I couldn't work much, which meant we had to rely almost entirely on whether or not people decided to buy a roof from a company who was just getting started, which meant we were struggling, which meant I was stressed beyond belief, which meant I might say one thing, but my emotions showed how unhappy I was, which put huge strain on our relationship.

So, I explained this idea I had to the husband: depending on how things go in the next week, I might cut back to part-time in school and kick it up to full-time in work. This part-time school business might just be for the summer, or it might extend until I finally graduate (which would be April of 2013 if I were to go part-time from here on out).

This doesn't mean that I don't believe in Utah Metal Roofing (the website just started construction). It means that this company is no exception to the trying period all companies face in the beginning. Rather than me being rigid and continuing on the path I originally decided on and having our relationship suffer at times for it, I've decided to try out flexibility and change my plans instead of always taking and expecting my husband to conform for me. He's done that so much throughout our relationship, I think it's finally my turn.

Skylar is a super smart guy and he always figures out a way to make things work. I know this endeavor will be the same, it's just going to take some time (and patience, I'm finding). So this is my way of supporting him. This may not sound like hard work on my part for our marriage, but it's actually really scary for me to let go of what I've always thought I'd do and do something else instead. We might have to stick around in Utah for a little longer, but eventually life will go on and we'll get to come back to Texas! Until then, we're both busting our butts to make our marriage, his company, and our lives work. All in all, life is good!

P.S. I got the job I wrote about in my last post! It's in Midvale, just 10 minutes from where we'll be living. Depending on how many hours I get there, I might have to get a second job, too. Skylar really wants me to work at Men's Wearhouse because I'll get 50% off (they offered me a job when we lived in Ft. Worth, but I didn't take it. I don't think the husband has ever fully forgiven me for that). There's one right down the road from our new place, so we'll see....

Mmmm, Life is Good

Life is funny. Sometimes it seems everything is going really well; sometimes it seems everything is spiraling downward. Most of the time, though, it's a mix of the two. Right now it's a mix, but I feel like the "going really well" part is a little heavier lately.

School is school. I'm officially changing my major on Friday from "Physiology and Developmental Biology" (PDBio) to "Public Health." I already feel a huge burden lifted for a couple of reasons. 1) I will no longer be surrounded by nothing but pre-med douche bags. Depending on what you studied in college, you may or may not know the type so let me lay it out for you. This particular type of person is between 23 and 25, has been married for approximately 5.5 months and always has a picture of him and his hot wife on his laptop that he always brings to class with him. This pre-med douche bag always has a bragging contest amongst his other douche bag class mates to see who the biggest douche bag is (contest varies in topics ranging from most amazing wife to best grades to which schools accepted them, but they're probably going to turn it down because they're better than those schools). This douche bag must also always wear proper douche bag attire of a flat brimmed hat cocked just slightly to the side and either a t-shirt or polo that is just too tight to show off his douche bag trimmed body. I am so done with that. They are ridiculous and induce anxiety in all non-douche bags by just being around them. 2) Let's be honest, public health just isn't quite as demanding as PDBio. The material is focused not on health from the molecular level up, but health of the individual up to the community and global levels. It's not all competition like PDBio because very few public health majors (especially not those in the epidemiology emphasis, which is where I'll be) are planning to go to med school. I can't wait. In the meantime, however, I have to hold out another week and a half to be done with this semester. For various reasons, this semester has kicked my butt, so I just have to push through and do well on finals to make it out alive.

In other aspects of life, things are looking up! Skylar has been making great contacts for work, so that should be paying off soon. I just had an awesome job interview up in Midvale for a job that I think I'll love. It's for a position to be a mentor to troubled teens who have been taken out of their homes (whether their actual homes or foster homes) by the state and need to be taught life skills so they can go back into society as a productive adult. I feel really confident about it and should hear back next week. Also, we're moving to Sandy in 2 weeks!!! This is exciting news because neither Skylar nor I have any love for Provo. Everyone lives on top of each other here because there are SO many people, and the majority of people who live here are college idiots who may be book smart, but have no common sense (ya know, even simple pieces of common sense like looking before you attempt to cross the street). I love our new apartment complex. I like the Sandy area. But I won't like having to commute down to Provo as much. All in all though, those are some things to look forward to.

So life is good. And as a reward for those few who actually endured this lengthy post, here's a sweet video for you to enjoy, compliments of my sister.

Happy weekend!